By James Smithwick
For the first time since the Dark Ages, the Pope has left the building. Not since 1415, when Gregory XII stepped down over an issue with who had the rightful claim to the title has a Pope quit.
In the last 600 years, every pontiff that donned the pointy hat has performed his duties, sometimes trustworthy, other times shady, until death came to take him home, so to speak. Now, Pope Benedict XVI has vacated the seat because of advanced age.
“Strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me,” said Benedict, 85, according to the Vatican.
Questions immediately arose after Benedict’s announcement as to who would replace him. Would the new Bishop of Rome be from a developing nation where the church is growing by leaps and bounds, or from a traditional European country where the Catholic faith has such a storied history? “Regardless,” said the Rev. Federico Lombardi, a Vatican spokesman.
“Before Easter, we will have the new pope,” he said.
Pope Benedict XVI was born Joseph Ratzinger, and was raised in his native Germany. He served briefly in the Hitler Youth, though against his will, and fought in World War II. He left the service after the war to become a theologian and quickly rose in the Vatican ranks.
In 2005, he became the sixth German to hold the position of Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, and the first since Pope Victor II in 1055.
So, now Benedict will spend his retirement years playing checkers with various cardinals and eating the early bird special at the Vatican Sizzler.
But will he feel the effects of unemployment like the average Joe Catholic he presided over for the last eight or so years?
Probably not, since he has the eternal keys to arguably the greatest fortune ever amassed on the face of the earth. Benedict will have his own private residence in the Vatican, complete with round the clock security and servants. He will have complete medical care from some of the world’s greatest physicians and won’t even have to run to Walgreens to pick up his own prescriptions.
Perhaps, though, he should have to live out his golden years like the people he lorded over since his installation as Pope. He should have to work through his retirement and pinch pennies like the elderly that have glorified his position.
So, in that spirit, here is a list of jobs Pope Benedict XVI could do to earn a living in his post-papal retirement.
Short order cook – Who better to make a delicious plate of Eggs Benedict than a guy that CHOSE the name Benedict?
People greeter at the Vatican Wal-Mart – He tips his pointy hat, offers you a cart, and if you don’t have a smile he’ll give you his!
Candy Striper at the local hospital – Nice, but no pay and he’d scare the hell out of the dying patients he’d visit that thought they were getting better.
Pizza delivery guy – Safe and sound in his bulletproof Pope-mobile, delivering hot pies surrounded by Kevlar and shatter-resistant Plexiglas.
Server at a theme restaurant – Welcome to Shenanigans. Care to try our new Jalapeno Communion Poppers?
Postal carrier – He’s been delivering the word for years now, so this is right up his alley.
On-field reporter for Major League Baseball – And for an in-depth analysis of the Angel’s pitching staff, we go to Pope Benedict XVI deep in foul territory. Popester?
Whatever he ends up doing, he and the Catholic Church need to take a hard look at some of the church’s practices, like its stance on birth control, stem cell research and the alleged cover-ups of the actions of some of its more unsavory religious leaders, and make some changes for the good.
Take the opportunity of electing a new Pope to usher in a new era.