by Emelia Hitchner
Ah, holiday traditions. Nothing quite beats the taste of rock-hard fruitcake and spiked eggnog, while listening to Jingle Bells play on the radio 29 different ways.
It’s that time of year when relatives pretend that family gatherings are for bonding and your neighbors find it perfectly acceptable to show up on your doorstep to ring your doorbell obnoxiously. The cat and dog rush around the house in a blur of shedding fur. Someone always spills some sort of staining liquid on the expensive holiday tablecloth.
There are many odd and irritating traditions that get under our skin during the holiday, but for some reason we just can’t let them go, no matter how hair-raising they are. Below are some of the Christmas shenanigans that, on behalf of both Christmas lovers and holiday anarchists, we can agree are nearly as irritating as they are endearing.
1. It seems like every year, radio stations begin playing Christmas music earlier. I guess since the season of “giving” only lasts so long, someone got the bright idea to try to extend it with poppy remixes of holiday classics. By the time Christmas even arrives, you’re sick of Santa, Rudolph and false promises of a white Christmas. Sure, Frank Sinatra warms the heart and Mariah Carey gets the foot tapping, but after two months of the stuff, you’re almost ready to boycott Christmas cheer for some peace and quiet. But hey, once the station is on, it’s not getting turned off until New Year’s day. You have to make sure it will take a whole year just to recover from music induced posttraumatic stress.
2.Christmas lights are a traditional hassle. Back in the day, if one bulb died, you could kiss the rest of the strands goodbye. Now, at least manufacturers have the common courtesy to make the life span of lights a bit longer. That doesn’t take away from the chaos of hanging them, connecting them and blowing circuits at the same time though. For as hazardous as the tradition is, there should be more warning signs. Climbing a ladder with a staple gun is dangerous enough, throw in a thousand light bulbs in a tangled knot and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster.
3. Oh, Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, why are half of your branches missing? Probably because the cat ate them and then threw up the needles on your bathroom floor. Although Walmart usually offers a perfectly acceptable version of the Christmas tree in synthetic form, most people love to go through the process of conquering the wild by dragging it into their living room. Why? Well, who wouldn’t want a massive plant that sheds on your floor and needs watered more than a fish on dry land?
4. No one likes gift shopping. Not only is it stressful, but it’s the only time in the holiday season when you can view people for how they truly are, terrifying. It’s quite possible the adorable elderly women next to you will beat you with her cane just to get the last Xbox. You’re not safe hiding in the aisles. To be a successful shopper, you must learn the ways of the tiger – Stalk your prey, pounce and show no mercy. That Xbox was yours anyway.
5. After you’ve successfully beat your way through crowds and threw a few elbows to cross off your shopping list, the next holiday tradition is to wrap them. Nothing is quite as enjoyable as getting tangled in tape and cheap wrapping paper…said no one ever. Not to mention your greedy family members are just going to tear through all of your hard work anyway. Cheers.
6. Horrible gifts are a family tradition. No matter what, it happens, and it will never stop happening. Your blind uncle bought you a vomit green sweater vest for the third year in a row. What do you do? Re-gift it of course. It’s the gift that never stops giving, literally.
7. You have the day off for Christmas, but the worst part is you’ll go to bed feeling more exhausted than if you worked a triple shift as a construction worker. Taking the day off is expected, or you’ll never hear the end of it from your mother who claims she’s not going to be around much longer. After tearing into gifts, cleaning up, washing dishes, burning cookies, listening to grandpa’s war stories for the thousandth time and shoving the leftover casseroles into the crowded fridge, you’re ready to sleep for a year.
On the bright side, at least the holidays have a way of reminding us of what’s really important…earplugs, family distance, deadbolts and two hour naps. Happy holidays, everyone!